Podunk – The Friendly Town
In this Edition:
Mayor Dean East Easy Ride to Victory
Podunk Council Election Results
Mount Podunk Fire Brigade Election
Steptoe and the Misplaced Antiques Consignment
Mayor Dean East Easy Ride to Victory
When the votes were counted, Cancellor Péter Popoff was pipped at the post by Dean East, an old hand at Podunkian politics who managed to charm the chatroom warriors without resorting to populist causes to keep Podunk stuck in the 1940s forever.
Mayor Dean East says that he’s thoroughly enjoying his new position and is looking forward to working with all councillors to provide the best service to residents. After a month of debating whether Mildendo and Podunk‘s eggs be broken at the Big End or Little End, Mayor ended the Big-Endian Little-Endian controversy with the decree ‘that all true believers break their eggs at the convenient end.’
The mood in the chatroom was jubilant, everyone congratulating Dean East on his election as Mayor and vowing to unite behind him — everyone except for Gigi La Grange, President of the Podunk Valley PTA, who unleashed a 1,000-word screed beginning with:
“Milburn Drysdale hates Dean East. Milburn Drysdale says Dean East is an arsehole. Milburn Drysdale walked out of a meeting with Dean East. Everyone here hates Dean East.” That was Gigi’s opening gambit, and it rapidly went south from there.
The essay meandered through every grievance Gigi could remember or imagine, and by the end, the chatroom wasn’t talking about Dean East or even Gigi’s essay—they were roasting Milburn Drysdale.
Funny thing, Milburn Drysdale doesn’t use social media and is completely unaware that Gigi La Grange destroyed his reputation in Podunk. Instead, he blissfully defends La Grange against anyone who tries to tell him what’s going on and continues to manage her massive share portfolio of fracking stocks.
Total Recall Rebirthing Workshop
Come along to our weekly workshops where we explore crimes committed against us in this or past lives.
Keen to remember if your elderly male relative raped you as a baby?
We’ll have that old man run out of town and sleeping under a bridge before you can say “Call a Psychiatrist!” We Remember It For You, Wholesale! Call Sally Tripwell now.
Podunk Council Election Results
In a surprise election result, Dee Bollocks, did not win a seat on Council, but was given a trophy for “Most Important Person in Podunk” by the Women’s Temperance Society.
Marge Timberlain was the target of salacious rumors started by Sally Tripwell and wasn’t elected.
Milburn Drysdale missed out on securing enough votes to sit on council, so he went shopping for another B&B with his wife Margaret, and organised yet another speaking tour of the gasfields.
Anne Dryst failed to get her African refugees settled in Podunk but has promised to accommodate as many of the young men in her home as are willing – while she continues to run old white men out of town.
Maharishi Parwal wasn’t elected despite, or because of, his knocking on every door in Podunk. His challenge “Prove to me that Podunk isn’t racist by electing me to Council” was met with another challenge: “Learn to accept that people won’t vote for contemptuous leaders who play the race card.”
Donna Cabab came stone cold dead last in the election. Even Eddie Obeyed‘s business partner scored more votes. She consoled herself by opening another shop, Hell Bent Hardware & Home Decor, and spreading unfounded rumors that an artisan’s cafe in the town over yonder had been closed by the health authorities.
Cancellor Péter Popoff was elected as Podunk’s representative on the promise to keep the old, leaking pool and build the new bridge into Podunk around it.
Hell Bent Big Kahuna Burger
This week’s edition of Podunk Weekly Bugle is proudly brought to you by Hell Bent Food Emporium.
This week’s special: Limited Edition Hell Bent Big Kahuna Burger only $28.99 plus taxes.
Mount Podunk Fire Brigade Election
Fire Warden George “Ali Baba” Ashfield was re-elected unopposed in the annual Mount Podunk Fire Brigade Election. No-one else wanted the job.
The rumors continued from the Fire Station that “Helga will sleep with any man that will week on her house.” For nearly two years, Helga von Schrödinger was holed up, too frightened to leave her home. Fingers were pointed and whispered words muttered if she went into town.
Her friends began wondering if this was a just misunderstanding on the part of Paul Stinker and Ali Baba, or a coordinated hate campaign because of her anti-fracking or political activities. It was surprising that other female residents of Mt. Podunk, Leeane Gilfred and Gigi La Grange were also fanning the flames of the gossip and lies instead of supporting their supposed friend.
Running single women who had lived in Podunk for decades out of town isn’t normally in the job requirements of the volunteer fire brigade, but they have taken to their task with relish.
“Helga von Schrödinger will sleep with any man that will week on her house,” the volunteers told anyone silly enough to listen to them, and the rumor was then spread far and wide by anyone desperate to stay on the good side of the fire brigade.
Helga von Schrödinger bailed up old George Ashfield, confronting him with: “Why are you spreading these lies about me?”
The Fire Warden laughed in her face and said “I started the rumor to see how long it would take to get back to me!”
When Helga told this story to intrepid reporter, Mark D. Mann, he thought that doesn’t sound like his friend, Ali Baba, so he too broached the subject with old George. Sure enough, word for word, George “Ali Baba” Ashfield confirmed that’s exactly what he said to Helga, with a grin that could melt asbestos. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Ali Baba and Paul Stinker have been nominated for a Hero of the Year Award for trying to run a single woman out of town … you can be “Very Proud, Boys”
DAMAGED OR BUSTED REPUTATION?
Margaret Drysdale at Podunk Naturopathic Herbals uses iridology, herbs and flower remedies to make a tonic to assist you in establishing and maintaining optimum health.
REPUTATION – the latest in the Intangibles line from Podunk Naturopathic Herbals
REPUTATION – only $350 per month or $550 for extra strength.
REPUTATION – Don’t leave home without it.
Steptoe and the Misplaced Antiques Consignment
It had been a few weeks since Mark D. Mann was an accidental witness to the marriage breakup of Sonny Steptoe and wife, Cheryl, so he thought it safe to return to Steptoe’s Bric-a-brac shop in Podunk to collect the earnings from the goods he had previously left on consignment in the shop.
Not a fortune, but the Victorian bed warmer would have fetched $80, ornate cow bell $50, bone handled server $15, silver salad spoons $10, EPNS soup ladle $5 and vintage egg beater $15.
“I put them on the dollar stand,” Steptoe hissed. Mann didn’t even get the dollar. And that was the end of that friendship.
Sadly, it appears as if Sonny Steptoe still hadn’t come to terms with the reason Cheryl had left Podunk and is blaming anyone but themselves. Mark D. Mann was prepared to overlook the abuse that Cheryl told him about – perhaps Cheryl went into the relationship knowing that Sonny was 50 shades of dominatrix and things got out of hand. But what he couldn’t accept was theft and the toxic lies that spread through town afterward.
Magical Mood Making Machine
“Multi-Level Marketing Magical Mood Making Machine With An Optional Extra Aura Analysis And Adjustment App Available On Apple And Android.”
The residents of Podunk are queuing up to swap a month’s salary for the device. … contact Coach Doctor Woo McHealy
Letters from Podunk to the Editor
“After everything I’ve done for this town, this is the thanks I get,” Donna Cabab posted on social media after her electoral defeat.
Send your Letter to the Editor in the comment section, below.
Legal threats to our legal team: Max Payne, Kane & Hurt, attn: Will Lynch.
Any resemblance to actual persons or events is coincidentalish.
Editorial Conference
“Sorry to see your friendship with Sonny Steptoe end that way,” Paige Turner offered.
Mark replied “Yes, it was disappointing that I’m to blame for what happened in their bedroom and Sonny hasn’t come to terms with the real reason that Cheryl left.”
“You get bonus points though,” Paige said, “Sonny and Cheryl are lesbians!”
“Jokes aside, Steptoe said something to her landlord, Margaret Drysdale, and that was one of the key reasons that Drysdale turned on me. A small lie told in revenge can has devastating consequences, affecting many people besides the intended target,” Mann said.
Podunk Weekly Bugle Archive
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.1 – Introduction. Our first edition, now a collectors item.
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.2 – Coach Doctor Woo McHealy’s Magical Mood Making Machine / Mount Podunk Fire Brigade Weekly Meeting / Bach Flower Magic Drops Treat Cancer / “Soup Kitchen Must Close” / The Evils of Capitalism / Dean Péters Accused of Rape
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.3 – Stinker Starts a Rumour / Podunk River Water Action Group AGM / Sonny Steptoe & wife divorce / “Give me all your money!”
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.4 – Council Elections Next Month / Donna Cabab and The Italian Job / Drysdale’s Birthday Ambush / Leeanne Gilfred Debuts Her New ‘do / Egg Shortage as Chickens Stop Laying / Podunk Arts Collective Meeting
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No. 5 – Podunk Council Election – Meet the Candidates : Donna Cabab, Milburn Drysdale, Maharishi Parwal, Marge Timberlain
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.6 – Podunk Council Election – Meet the Candidates : Dee Bollocks / Anne Dryst / Péter Popoff / Dean East
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.7 – Save The Old Pool – Podunk Divided / One question, please / Popoff & the Art of Litigation / Massive earthquake hits Podunk
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.8 – YOU ARE HERE – Mayor Easy Ride to Victory / Podunk Council Election Results / Steptoe and the Misplaced Antiques Consignment / Mount Podunk Fire Brigade Election
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