Podunk Election Special
In this Edition:
Save the Old Podunk Pool
Podunk Divided
One question, please
Popoff & the Art of Litigation
Massive earthquake hits Podunk
Save the Old Podunk Pool
Council’s plan couldn’t be more simple. The state government was funding new roads and bridges that solved some of the bottle necks that slowed traffic, especially for the truckers delivering goods to the rural country towns.
They needed to build a new bridge into town because the old rickety wooden bridge floods every other time it rains, cutting Podunk off from the world. Council designed the ideal bridge so that traffic could flow past Podunk, with a nice new curved road coming off the bridge and a new entrance into Podunk township. Council secured the funding from the State and began the community consultation process.
The only hiccup was reclaiming the land under the old pool, which leaks like a sieve anyway, to build the curved road past the town. To overcome any objections, Council also got funding for a brand new community pool as part of the bridge project.
Win, win, right? Wrong. Beatrice Bobson was one of the five regular swimmers who used the pool and she was miffed that they’d be without a swimming hole for a few months while the new pool was built.
Enter Mayoral hopeful, Péter Popoff. Like all populist politicians, Mr. Popoff needed a cause, a battle cry to rally the troops and win enough votes to become Mayor of Gotham County. Bobson had five supporters, a gossip shop and a slogan. Popoff had political ambitions and a campaign to run. Together they hatched a plan.
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Podunk Divided
The debate about the new bridge and pool divided Podunk. On one hand the state government and Council staff tried to explain the curved road design was easier on trucks than a small roundabout with a hard right turn around the pool.
The new pool located elsewhere solved the problem of the leaking pool which will have to be replaced in a few years anyway. The Podunk Chamber of Commerce and Poduck Advancement Group and others supported the new bridge and pool package, and the truckers and delivery drivers all wanted the new bridge and road design.
On the other hand, the Save The Old Podunk Pool group began their populist campaign to flood the zone with effluent. Misinformation began appearing with conspiracies that council staff were lying and no new pool would be built, and that the new road would mean triple tandem rigs and road-trains hurtling past Podunk.
Volunteers manned the clicker counters on the bridge to raise doubts about whether the old wooden bridge that flooded needed to be replaced anyway. Anyone who spoke in support of the plan to build a new pool was targeted with personal attacks and many of them gave up participating in discussions about the election.
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One question, please
Intrepid Bugle reporter Mark D. Mann, asked Péter Popoff a question in the chat room that should’ve been simple:
“Why did you resign all your council management committee positions during your last term in office, leaving Podunk unrepresented and forcing the other Councillors to pick up the slack and do extra work?”
Popoff’s response? Not an answer, but a trilogy of essays delivered with the flair of a man auditioning for America’s Got Talent — hitting all the low notes but singing flat on the high notes.
The first essay complained that journalists were trained to ask embarrassing questions of very important people like Mr. Popoff, and he dodged answering it. The second defended his character with the rhetorical grace of a man drowning in quicksand.
Finally, in the third essay, Popoff suggested his mass resignations of all his Council committee positions was due to his daughter falling off a horse. This excuse, as baffling as it was irrelevant, while impressing his swim team, did little to endear him to the electorate.
Residents of the nearby town of Triple Peaks, Christopher Green and his partner Herbie Robot, were in the Himalayas seeking treatment for Herbie’s rare form of amnesia, Goldfield Syndrome, during the election. They were half way up Mt. Everest when Mr. Green got internet connection and he joined the fray in the Podunk chat rooms, grilling Popoff over his extended holiday while supposedly a Councillor.
The election campaign was full of shenanigans, rumors and gossip. Harry Dean Stilton, solicitor and member of the Podunk River Water Action Group, weighed into the debate by sending a list of questions to Christopher Green and Mark D. Mann so they could further embarrass Mr. Popoff. The questions were so lame that Mann declined asking them, leaving Green to go into bat. Popoff brushed the questions aside as trivial.
Stilton’s glowing endorsements of Popoff in the Podunk Post & Ledger while penning questions hoping to embarrass him in the chat rooms had locals questioning whether he was an amateur Machiavellian, a switch hitter or simply as faithful as a hound dog to a tree.
Things were unsettled in the “No” camp too. Brian Bobson told the Bugle, off the record, that Péter Popoff had a massive tantrum during the filming of an episode of American Story that they had appeared on together. Popoff refused to provide information to the producers unless he was also featured in the episode, according to Bobson. Ambition makes strange bed fellows.
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Popoff & the Art of Litigation
To say that Péter Popoff loves conflict and drama is an understatement. Very litigious, Popoff had previously and bravely taken the Inland Revenue Service to court, only to lose his case. Convincing himself that the judge hadn’t heard him correctly, Popoff then appealed, failed to present any new evidence and lost that case too.
Not one to go into combat if he can convince other people into fighting on his behalf, Péter Popoff enlisted Gigi La Grange as his messenger and threatened to sue Mark D. Mann. For Gigi, this was the pinnacle of her career. Gigi doesn’t have much else going on in the her life except for gossip, yet here she was, assigned the task of the intermediary between a politician and the press, and neither could check what she was saying was true.
Gigi began bombarding Mann with increasingly frantic messages:
“Péter says he’s suing you for asking that question!”
“Péter says you’ve change the course of history!”
“Péter says you’ve ruined his reputation!”
“Péter says journalists shouldn’t exist!”
“Péter says you’re fake news!”
Mann, ever the professional, calmly replied, “He can’t sue me for asking a question, Gigi. That’s my job.”
But Gigi wouldn’t let it go. She pestered Mann relentlessly, her messages growing more unhinged by the hour. Finally, Mann had enough.
“Gigi,” he said, “I’m really busy and on deadline. Please stop bothering me.”
But Gigi was like a dog with a bone and she wasn’t letting go—a particularly determined dog with no sense of time or boundaries. So Mann did the only thing left to do: he blocked her on social media.
STOP PRESS: Massive earthquake hits Podunk
A massive earthquake measuring 11 on the Richter scale has hit the region, with heavy damage and permanent changes in topography recorded in Mt. Podunk and Podunk township, and ground shaking extending to nearby towns including Gotham, Triple Peaks and beyond.
The World Earthquake Organisation predicts the aftershocks of such a devastating natural disaster could continue for years, especially in meeting halls of community groups. The epicentres of these aftershocks have been recorded at the Podunk Art Gallery, Grubby Gossip Shoppe and the Hell Bent Food Emporium in Podunk, and Au Moulin Brun nightclub in Triple Peaks. FEMA is struggling to keep up with the casualties.
Letters to Podunk Weekly Bugle Editor
Editor,
I endorse very stable genius Péter Popoff and everything he stands for – Harry Dean Stilton, Solicitor and member of the Podunk River Water Action Group.
Dear Editor,
I hope that Péter Popoff sues Mark D. Mann for deformation! – Anonymous, from Mt Podunk
Dear Editor,
Péter Popoff’s absence from council’s committees caused a lot of extra work for councillors and staff, especially at a time they were dealing with the Stop the Bridge campaign being waged by Mr. Popoff.
Elizabeth Huskisson, President Podunk Chamber of Commerce
Editor,
Mark D. Mann is an arsehole. Everyone here hates him. He left Brian Bobson’s birthday bash without paying, and he tried to rape me. – Gigi La Grange, President of the Podunk Valley PTA. Her full essay is here …
As always, send comments, questions, and legal threats to Max Payne, Kane & Hurt, attn: Will Lynch.
Any resemblance to actual persons or events is coincidentalish.
Editorial Conference
Mark D. Mann confided in the editor, Paige Turner, “I should apologise to Péter Popoff for asking that question. Beatrice and Brian Boson from the Grubby Gossip Shoppe told me some unsavoury gossip about Popoff, and I believed them without question”.
“Well, Popoff is a complex character, he deserved that question, and besides, Popoff’s daughter fell off her horse a few months after he resigned from his committee jobs, not before,” Paige said.
“I blocked Gigi La Grange on social media,” Mann said. “You did what? ,” the editor said, the cigarette dropping from her mouth. “All hell will break loose. No-one has ever done THAT before!”
Previous Editions of Podunk Weekly Bugle
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.1 – Introduction. Our first edition, now a collectors item.
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.2 – Coach Doctor Woo McHealy’s Magical Mood Making Machine / Mount Podunk Fire Brigade Weekly Meeting / Bach Flower Magic Drops Treat Cancer / “Soup Kitchen Must Close” / The Evils of Capitalism / Dean Péters Accused of Rape
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.3 – Stinker Starts a Rumour / Podunk River Water Action Group AGM / Sonny Steptoe & wife divorce / “Give me all your money!”
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.4 – Council Elections Next Month / Donna Cabab and The Italian Job / Beatrice Bobson’s Birthday Ambush / Leeanne Gilfred Debuts Her New ‘do / Egg Shortage as Chickens Stop Laying / Podunk Arts Collective Meeting
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No. 5 – Podunk Council Election – Meet the Candidates / Donna Cabab, Brian Bobson, Maharishi Parwal, Marge Timberlain
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.6 – Podunk Council Election – Meet the Candidates / Dee Bollocks / Anne Dryst / Péter Popoff / Dean East
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.7 – You Are Here – Save The Old Pool – Podunk Divided / One question, please / Popoff & the Art of Litigation / Massive earthquake hits Podunk
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