Podunk – the Friendly Town
In this Edition:
Podunk Council Election Special – Meet the Candidates Running for Municipal Council
Dee Bollocks, Anne Dryst, Péter Popoff, Dean East.
Podunk Council Election
In Podunk, the role of a councillor isn’t just a position; it’s a balancing act performed on a tightrope of public expectation and personal ambition. It’s one of the few paid jobs in town. In a small town like Podunk, every issue feels personal, and every decision carries the weight of friendships, feuds, and the ever-watchful eyes of chatroom critics and cow cockies hanging out on the porch at the pub.
This year’s election has seen a variety of contenders, each bringing their own vision for Podunk’s future. Their campaigns may differ, but they all share one thing in common: a willingness to face the challenges of local governance in a town where everyone has a stake—and an opinion.
Meet the Candidates: Podunk’s Finest (and Strangest)
This year’s Podunk Council election brought an eclectic mix of contenders, each with their own peculiar charm—or lack thereof.
On this page:
Dee Bollocks, Podunk’s overachieving committee queen, seeks to consolidate her already extensive portfolio of power.
Anne Dryst plans to open refugee camps in Podunk, save the Podunk Skunk from extinction, and use the business skills she learnt pusing her mobile coffee cart ‘The Flying Fig’ around town to balance Council’s budget.
Péter Popoff, Podunk’s resident populist, is gambling his campaign on saving the old pool and rerouting the new bridge—a bold strategy that appeals to the crowd that want Podunk permanently isolated from the world.
Dean East, mild-mannered ex-policeman is running a campaign so dull and sensible it’s just talking and listening to people about roads, rates, and rubbish.
In last week’s Podunk Weekly Bugle, we looked at:
Brian Bobson, the town’s wealthiest resident, trades investment pitches for campaign speeches, promising a prosperous future for Podunk.
Maharishi Parwal, the mystical activist, pledges to harmonize the town’s energy grid and tackle water issues with socialist flair.
Marge Timberlain, some say she’s crazy, some say she’s the sanest person in Podunk. Marge promises to run a sustainable, earth-friendly local council.
Donna Cabab, award-winning entrepreneur extraordinaire, campaigns on a platform of austerity and moral discipline, but mostly railed against anyone she sees as a competitor to her business empire.
With candidates like these, the election is guaranteed to be as unpredictable as a bull at the Podunk Rodeo.
Dee Bollocks “For a Better Podunk, Leave It to Dee”
Dee Bollocks, thrice voted “Podunk’s Most Popular Person”, and much loved President of the Podunk Rodeo Society, Secretary of the Podunk Valley PTA, Treasurer of Podunk Women’s Temperance Society, organiser of the Podunk Folk Festival, Secretary of the Health Department’s Committee on Ageing, committee member of the Health Department’s Committee on Mental Health, board member of the State Fair Organising Committee, Rotarian, CEO of the Gotham County University, mother of five, wife to volunteer firefighter with the Mount Podunk Fire Brigade and retired local postman Ken Bollocks, felt a council position would complete her portfolio of committee positions and make the arts, education, health, and community sectors great again. That’s a sentence we never thought we’d write!
Dee Bollocks’ resume is a labyrinthine nightmare of titles and roles that could exhaust a speed-reader. Her campaign tagline, “For a Better Podunk, Leave It to Dee,” is stitched onto every piece of fabric in town from quilts to baby bibs. There’s a rumor she has a cloning machine to juggle her committee obligations, but skeptics claim it’s just raw caffeine and stubbornness.
Dee reads the room and can see that Podunk wants to be a matriarchal society, of women, by women, for women. “The future demands that we dismantle patriarchal oppression, one ice-bath at a time,” Dee proclaims.
A whisper campaign accuses Dee Bollocks of planning to rename Podunk “Bollocksville” but the Bugle has been unable to verify this claim.
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Anne Dryst: “Tell the Truth”
Anne Dryst, matriarch, communist and activist who marches under a banner “Tell The Truth” while spreading rumors of dubious veracity to anyone who will listen. Ms. Dryst is often seen carrying protest signs, and some say that Ms. Dryst is not happy unless she’s unhappy about something.
Ms. Anne Dryst pushes her mobile coffee cart ‘The Flying Fig’ around town hoping that people will stop for a pot and hear her views on everything from immigration: “We need more African refugees in town,” the cost of living crisis: “Eat the Rich,” and government: “Kill the Patriarchs”. Ms. Dryst currently organizes protests to “Save The Podunk Skunk” and for “Land Rights for Gay Whales”.
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Mayoral frontrunner Péter Popoff
Mayoral frontrunner Péter Popoff appeared on national television exposing one of the other councillors who had business dealings with notorious politician Eddie Obeyed and lives just up the road near Bello.
Mr. Popoff promised to reject Council’s plans to build a new, well-designed bridge across the river into Podunk and instead save the old pool that was leaking and costing Council a small fortune, and make the new bridge go around it. Popoff is a populist politician and knows campaigns are built from the ground up. He found a ready-made movement in the Save The Old Pool chat group and manned the clicker counting the cars as they crossed the bridge into town.
Péter Popoff is less a politician and more a firework display in human form. His exposé of shady dealings involving Eddie Obeyed ignited a national media frenzy, but his promise to save the old pool has turned him into a Podunk folk hero. He wants to reject Council’s offer of a new pool and reroute the new bridge around the old pool, ensuring swimmers can enjoy their nostalgia while commuters curse his name.
Péter’s campaign rally included a photo opportunity where he wore a wetsuit and cannonballed into the old pool to prove it’s still “structurally sound.” Unfortunately, the pool leaked overnight and the photo-call was called off.
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Dean East: The Grumpy Old Pragmatist
Dean East ran a simple campaign on roads, rates and rubbish. Old school council issues and the reason why local councils exist.
Dean East is running a campaign so dull and sensible it’s revolutionary. Roads, rates, and rubbish? In a town obsessed with vanity projects and committee infighting, this might as well be the manifesto of a revolutionary cell. His campaign events are more like town meetings, where voters complain about potholes while East nods solemnly and takes notes.
Dean East is the only candidate not selling himself, selling something, or selling the town. A revolutionary idea, and we’re not sure that Podunk is ready for it.
Editorial
Councillors are tasked with shaping the town’s future, a responsibility that spans everything from potholes to public pools. They navigate the labyrinth of local government, making decisions that affect everything from rubbish collection to community events, all while fielding the endless stream of opinions, suggestions, and complaints from their fellow citizens.
Politics in Podunk is not for the faint of heart. It’s a stage where civic duty meets small-town drama, fueled by gossip, passionate debates, and the occasional conspiracy theory. The candidates vying for a spot on the council know they’re stepping into a world where compromise is a virtue, but strong convictions often win the day.
Whoever wins this election will be handed the keys to Podunk’s kingdom—a jalopy with three flat tires and a backseat full of empty beer cans. But in this godforsaken democracy, that’s the prize: a front-row seat to the chaos. Good luck, councilors. You’ll need it.
Letters to Podunk Weekly Bugle Editor
Dear Editor,
I endorse Péter Popoff for Mayor – B.Keeper, Triple Peaks Party Supplies.
Dear Editor,
Brian Bobson is the smartest man in town and is so wealthy that he would never fiddle the Council’s books. Vote 1 Brian Bobson. – Beatrice Bobson, social engineer and owner, Grubby Gossip Shoppe.
Editor,
Péter Popoff is a very stable genius and the only person who can save Podunk from itself by opposing any change. We like things as they were, in the 1940s. – Harry Dean Stilton, Solicitor, Podunk
Editor,
My friend Péter Popoff is a wonderful candidate and so is my good friend Brian Bobson who manages my stock portfolio. My other best friend Donna Cabab would make a fine Councillor and so would my good friends Maharishi Parwal and Dee Bollocks. They all agree with me that Mark D. Mann is an arsehole and everyone here hates him. – Gigi La Grange, President of the Podunk Valley PTA.
Send Letters to the Editor in the comments below, and legal threats to:
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Any resemblance to actual persons or events is coincidentalish.
Make A merkin Great Again
Previous Editions of Podunk Weekly Bugle
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.1 – Introduction. Our first edition, now a collectors item.
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.2 – Coach Doctor Woo McHealy’s Magical Mood Making Machine / Mount Podunk Fire Brigade Weekly Meeting / Bach Flower Magic Drops Treat Cancer / “Soup Kitchen Must Close” / The Evils of Capitalism / Dean Péters Accused of Rape
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.3 – Stinker Starts a Rumour / Podunk River Water Action Group AGM / Sonny Steptoe & wife divorce / “Give me all your money!”
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.4 – Council Elections Next Month / Donna Cabab and The Italian Job / Beatrice Bobson’s Birthday Ambush / Leeanne Gilfred Debuts Her New ‘do / Egg Shortage as Chickens Stop Laying / Podunk Arts Collective Meeting
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No. 5 – Podunk Council Election – Meet the Candidates / Donna Cabab, Brian Bobson, Maharishi Parwal, Marge Timberlain
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.6 – You Are Here – Podunk Council Election – Meet the Candidates / Dee Bollocks / Anne Dryst / Péter Popoff / Dean East
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.7 – Save The Old Pool – Podunk Divided / One question, please / Popoff & the Art of Litigation / Massive earthquake hits Podunk
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