Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No. 5 – Meet the Candidates

Podunk – the Friendly Town

In this Edition:
Podunk Council Election Special – Meet the Candidates Running for Municipal Council

Podunk Council Election

Elections: a sacred tradition of small-town democracy—or, more accurately, a three-ring circus performed in the digital coliseum of internet chat rooms, in the coffee and gossip shops, and in the town’s newspapers. This year’s elections are no exception, with robust debate, rampant rumors, and enough petty squabbles to make a soap opera writer blush.

Podunk is too small to have its own Municipal Council and is part of Gotham Municipal County, but the battle to see who represents Podunk is fiercely contested. Apart from the bragging rights of having an actual job, people have to be nice to you if they want something, like their trash emptied.

Podunk may be isolated from the world but residents understand that politics isn’t so much about actual policies, it’s all about the entertainment factor. Politics in Podunk is show business for ugly people and ugly behaviour. Elections in Podunk aren’t so much about governance as they are gladiatorial combat with voter bribes disguised as cookies and casserole contests.

Meet the Candidates: Podunk’s Finest (and Strangest)

This year’s Podunk Council election brought an eclectic mix of contenders, each with their own peculiar charm—or lack thereof.

Donna Cabab, award-winning entrepreneur extraordinaire, campaigns on a platform of austerity and moral discipline, but mostly railed against anyone she sees as a competitor to her business empire.
Brian Bobson, the town’s wealthiest resident, trades investment pitches for campaign speeches, promising a prosperous future for Podunk.
Maharishi Parwal, the mystical activist, pledges to harmonize the town’s energy grid and tackle water issues with socialist flair.
Marge Timberlain says “I’ll test my log with every branch of knowledge.”

Next Edition:
Dee Bollocks, Podunk’s overachieving committee queen, seeks to consolidate her already extensive portfolio of power.
Anne Dryst plans to open Podunk to refugee camps, save the Podunk Skunk from extinction, and use the business skills she learnt pusing her mobile coffee cart ‘The Flying Fig’ around town to end the patriarchy.
Dean East, mid-mannered ex-policeman runs a simple campaign focusing on roads, rates and rubbish.
Péter Popoff, Podunk’s resident populist, gambled his campaign on saving the old pool and rerouting the new bridge—a bold strategy that appeals to the crowd that want Podunk permanently isolated from the world.
With candidates like these, the election is guaranteed to be as unpredictable as the weather in Podunk.

Donna Cabab: The Iron-Fisted Temperance Queen

Donna Cabab, President of Podunk Women’s Temperance Society and proprietor of the Hell Bent group of companies, is running on her campaign to close the soup kitchen at the community centre, kissing a lot of babies, and spreading rumors about other cafes and restaurants in town.

Donna Cabab campaigns with the finesse of a chainsaw at a rose parade. Her pledge to shut down the soup kitchen at the community center has united the town’s chicken farmers and stray dogs in a coalition of rage at seeing impoverished drifters not spending their social security in one of the the Hell Bent group of companies.

Donna Cabab kisses babies with the intensity of a vacuum cleaner and attacks Gotham’s Italian restaurant as though a plate of linguine wronged her in a past life. “Italian pasta is a gateway carbohydrate leading to moral decay,” claims Donna Cabab. “Gotham’s Italian restaurant is exporting across county lines,” she says, without offering any evidence to back her claim.

“A vote for Donna Cabab,” her flyers say, “is a vote for discipline.” Cabab’s campaign is not so much about winning votes as destroying anyone who stands in her way.

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Maharishi Parwal: Benevolent Dictator-in-Waiting

Maharishi Parwal, President of the Podunk River Water Action Group and prolific political campaigner, is running for Council on a socialist ticket promising to be a benevolent dictator.

Parwal’s platform of unity and enlightenment, though his version of socialism involves more chanting and fewer actual policies. His stump speeches are equal parts political manifesto and yoga class, leaving voters wondering if they’re electing a councilman or signing up for a silent retreat.

Maharishi’s campaign promise is to install crystal obelisks at every street corner to “align Podunk’s energy grid.” He claims the river whispered to him in a dream and declared him Podunk’s savior.

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Brian Bobson: Always the Smartest Man in the Room

Brian Bobson, investment banker and real estate mogul, reminded everyone that his fund management service fees were only 4% of everyone’s savings that they lodged with him. Mr. Bobson often mentions the secret to his success: “I am always the smartest man in the room. Life is a computer game and the high score is in dollars”.

All of Brian’s B&Bs were booked solid, produce from his biodynamic beef farm was sold out, and it was almost impossible to get a table at the Grubby Gossip Shoppe that his wife Beatrice runs – unless you knew someone.

Brian Bobson is a walking economic sermon, reminding voters that “the free market is the only market.” His campaign rallies double as networking events, where attendees can sip his wife Beatrice’s artisanal coffee while considering his 4% management fee. Bobson’s primary pitch is that he’s already richer than everyone, so there’s no chance of him stealing from the council budget.

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Marge Timberlain: Podunk’s Log Lady

Running on an unconventional platform of harmony with nature and intuitive governance, Marge Timberlain promises to bring her unique perspective to Podunk’s council. “The log knows the secrets of the forest, and the forest knows the truth of Podunk,” she declares.

Her campaign focuses on preserving the town’s natural resources, advocating for sustainable practices, and reconnecting the community with the land. Critics scoff at her otherworldly approach, but her grassroots supporters believe she offers a vision that transcends petty politics.

When asked by the Bugle: “what experience do you bring to Council?” Marge Timberlain replied: “I’ll test my log with every branch of knowledge.”

The battle for the council seat is less a democratic tradition and more a tribal ritual where the winner gets a crown of thorns and a broomstick sceptre to lord over their neighbors. No matter who wins, the losers always seem to get drunker, louder, and more entertaining.

Letters from Podunk to the Weekly Bugle Editor

Dear Editor,
I was only being nice to Mark D. Mann because I wanted him to work for my husband – Beatrice Bobson, social engineer and owner, Grubby Gossip Shoppe.

Editor,
I endorse Péter Popoff and everything he stands for – Kerry Stilton, Solicitor and member of the Podunk River Water Action Group.

Editor,
Mark D. Mann is an arsehole. Everyone here hates him. He left Brian Bobson’s birthday bash without paying. – Gigi La Grange, President of the Podunk Valley PTA. Her full essay is here …

As always, send your Letter to the Editor in the comments section below, and send legal threats to:
Max Payne, Kane & Hurt, attn: Will Lynch.
Any resemblance to actual persons or events is coincidentalish.

Make A merkin Great Again

Previous Editions of Podunk Weekly Bugle

Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.1 – Introduction

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