Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.4 – Gilfred Debuts Her New ‘do

Podunk the Friendly Town

In this Edition:
Council Elections Next Week
Donna Cabab and The Italian Job
Beatrice Bobson’s Birthday Ambush
Leeanne Gilfred Debuts Her New ‘do
Egg Shortage as Chickens Stop Laying
Podunk Arts Collective Meeting

Donna Cabab and The Italian Job

With her war on Podunk’s Soup Kitchen bogged down in the trenches, Donna Cabab, president of the Podunk Women’s Temperance Society, proprietor of the Hell Bent group of companies, and perpetual thorn in the side of decorum, opened up a new front on Bella Vita Trattoria, the beloved Italian restaurant in the next town over, Gotham.

Cabab launched her three-pronged attack: First, Cabab marched into the office of the Podunk Weekly Bugle claiming the restaurant’s picturesque menu images were stolen from an old issue of the short-lived Women’s Monthly Magazine. Intrepid reporter, Mark D. Mann refused to take the bait or write a story. Cabab, didn’t say anything further, just glared, and made a note to bring up this insolence at the next meeting of the Temperance Society.

Then, salacious and completely unverified rumors began circulating about Bella Vita Trattoria’s Chef Antonio Fusilli, including that his signature tiramisu comes with a side of “unsavory behavior.” Next, Cabab told tour group operators that Bella Vita Trattoria has “closed for business due to health violations.”

When asked for comment, Cabab simply smirked and said, “Tourists should spend their money in Podunk.” Chef Fusilli responded, “Who is Donna Cabab?” The war continues.

Coincidentally, in the midst of all these rumours and accusations about another restaurant owner, Donna Cabab launched her bid for a seat on local Council.

Vote 1 Donna Cabab

This week’s edition of Podunk Weekly Bugle is proudly brought to you by Hell Bent Food Emporium.
This week’s special: Hell Bent Big Kahuna Burger meal deal only $28.99 plus taxes.

Council Elections Next Week

In bombshell revelations on national television by Mayoral hopeful Péter Popoff exposed one of the other councillors had business dealings with notorious politician Eddie Obeid. All’s fair in love and elections in Podunk. Mr. Popoff is running for Council on the platform of No New Pool for Podunk and to build the new bridge with Council’s least desirable design and with the worst aspect possible.

Notable candidates for council include Brian Bobson, investment banker and purveyor of the best biodynamic beef in Podunk, Donna Cabab from the Hell Bent group of companies, Maharishi Parwal from Podunk River Water Action Group, and three-time winner of the “Most Popular Person in Podunk” award Deborah Committee. Other candidates include Dean East.

REWARD

Paul Stinker of Mount Podunk, is offering reward of one guinea for the return of “Defor”, his cattle dog. If anyone has seen Defor, please return him to the shed out the back of the Mount Podunk Fire Station. “Something spooked old Defor. He’s pulled up his chain and bolted,” Mr Stinker told the Bugle.

Beatrice Bobson’s Birthday Ambush

What was supposed to be a surprise 50th birthday celebration for Brian Bobson at the Grubby Gossip Shoppe turned into an awkward matchmaking attempt orchestrated by Brian himself.

In attendance? Just Beatrice and Brian, Gigi La Grange, and an unsuspecting Mark D. Mann. Brian’s real plan: playing Cupid. His target? Mark and Gigi.

Gigi La Grange, President of the Podunk Valley PTA, a self-declared Ecumenical Christian (whatever that is) and rigid teetotaler, regaled the group with tales of her turbulent past, including her two alleged rape attempts—accusations Mark knows to be false.

When Mark focused his attention on Brian to avoid engaging with Gigi, the duo exchanged icy glares and added Mann to the list to be discussed at a special meeting of the Podunk Women’s Temperance Society.

Brian Bobson seemed to enjoy his party, and as everyone else went to pick up the tab, Beatrice hissed at Mark “You’ve got a small penis!” Proud of the fact that no-one has ever asked for their money back, Mark replied “You know that works both ways?”

“What do you mean?” she asked. “Some women have very large vaginas,” he smiled. Beatrice almost had smoke coming out her ears as she glared.

Vote 1 Brian Bobson for Local Council

Investment Banker you can trust! Purveyor of the Best Biodynamic Beef in Podunk

Podunk Valley Chickens Stop Laying

Consumers are advised there may be a shortage of eggs this week. “For some reason, the chickens have stopped laying eggs,” said Péter Extrude, chicken farmer, firefighter and home grown tobacco enthusiast.

Leeanne Gilfred Unveils Her New ‘do

Out along the winding Podunk River Road, where the air smells faintly of pine resin and lunacy, lives Ms. Leeanne Gilfred, a 60-something, one-woman whirlwind of misplaced energy and emotional chaos.

She’s a scrawny divorcee with a penchant for drama, a flair for the absurd, and a patriotic hairstyle that yells, “America needs me—and so do you!”

Leeanne Gilfred has unveiled her new modest hairdo. She’s shaved her head into a mohawk and dyed it in an eye-catching, fetching, some say retching, bright red, white and blue.

Gilfred’s new ‘do made its debut when a group of friends went to see a band at a local pub. Leeanne Gilfred looked down her nose at intrepid reporter, Mark D. Mann and left that group to explore the night’s audience looking for whatever she was looking for.

Now, we can’t say that she spoke to every single man in the place, paying particular attention to the groups of male teenagers, nor can we state categorically that absolutely everyone was laughing at her antics. But it was close.

They say that first impressions are lasting. This one lingers.

Podunk Streetscape

Beatrice Bobson, resident of the small tight-knit community at Podunk Creek, managed to secure plants from the Podunk Street Beautification Project and seemed disappointed when Mark D. Mann declined her offer for him to plant them on her property. “I’m actually campaigning against using public funds for private gain,” he said. She glared, very, very intensely and said nothing.

Podunk Arts Collective First Meeting

First meeting, elections held – President, Samantha Everstone; Secretary, Beth Stable; Treasurer: Mark D. Mann; Committee, Sally Tripwell.

Ken Griffin, artist and manager of Podunk Vitality & Go health food shop, and resident of the small tight-knit community at Podunk Creek, arrived just after the elections and remained standing, arms folded, staring down at the seated committee.

“Would you like to sit?” Mann offered. “No!” Griffin said, staring at everyone, with his head moving from side to side like a laughing clown only he wasn’t laughing. Five minutes later, Beth Stable offered him a seat with the same response. It was certainly an unusual way to introduce oneself to a group.

Letters to the Editor

Received so far:

Editor,
I endorse Péter Popoff and everything he stands for – Kerry Sandstone, Solicitor and member of the Podunk River Water Action Group.

Dear Editor,
The Italian place was closed! Chef Antonio wasn’t even there. They’re all probably laundering their money. – Donna Cabab, Hell Bent Food Emporium

Editor,
Miss Gilfred drove past my farm this morning and now the cows have stopped giving milk. And where’s me cattle dog gone? – Paul Stinker, Mount Podunk

Dear Editor,
Coach Doctor Woo McHealy is a genius. Her machine changed my life. And my prostate’s fine. – Hosanna from Podunk

Editor,
Thin ice, Gilfred. Thin ice – Donna Cabab, President of Podunk Women’s Temperance Society

Editor,
Mark D. Mann is rude. He wouldn’t even talk to me. Men these days are pigs. And I just love Leeanne’s new look, she’s so nice. – Gigi La Grange, President of the Podunk Valley PTA

Dear Editor,
Do you think Beatrice Bobson’s magic drops can fix my cat? He’s been acting strange ever since the Fire Brigade’s last meeting. – Concerned in Podunk

As always, send your legal threats to Max Payne, Kane & Hurt, attn: Will Lynch. The Letters to the Editor is open in the comments section.

Editorial Conference

“Seems that you’re very popular at the moment,” Bugle editor, Paige Turner said. “If Ms. Gilfred starts a rumour that I’m after her in some way, she’s got tickets on herself,” Mark D. Mann replied. “She’s got tickets on herself, Mark,” Paige replied. “Figures. Sure, I admit I wouldn’t mind having a girlfriend, but Gilfred would be about as faithful as a houng dog to a tree,” Mann said.

Previous Editions of Podunk Weekly Bugle

Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.1 – Introduction

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