Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.3 – Stinker Starts a Rumour

Podunk, the Friendly Town

In this edition:
Stinker Starts a Rumour
Podunk River Water Action Group AGM
Sonny Steptoe & Wife Divorce
“Give me all your money!”

Stinker Starts a Rumour

Paul Stinker, chicken farmer and bottle washer at the Mount Podunk Fire Station, was having a quiet night at home, having a few home brews with freshly distilled vodka chasers, smoking chop-chop sprinkled with dust from the Grand Wazoo, arguing online with a bot about the merits of JFK’s magic bullet theory, when he suddenly had a thought!

Out of the blue he remembered a conversation he had a few days ago with Helga Von Streudel, an unassuming single woman living alone out on Podunk River Road. They had been talking about his lack of finances when she asked “Can you around and mow the lawn?” Now, Stinker might be a simple man, but he can put two and two together and come up with seven.

“She was making a pass at me!” he thought to himself. “She will sleep with any man who will work on her house!”

Stinker, eager to share the news of his latest sexual conquest with his mates, jumped on his push bike and rushed to the Fire Station to find the crew sitting around a camp fire, having a few home brews with freshly distilled vodka chasers, smoking chop-chop sprinkled with a herb imported from the Pleiades, arguing with each other about the latest revelations on InfoWars.

“Helga Von Streudel was making a pass at me!” he said to his mates. “She will sleep with any man who will work on her house!”

The Fire Warden, George “Clipper” Ashfield, who was at the time losing the Infowars debate, suddenly realised that here was an issue that could rally the troops. Something that would bind the boys together. A common enemy.

Ashfield also knew the election for Fire Warden was coming up, and they work exactly like they do on a pirate ship. “Helga Von Streudel will sleep with any man who will work on her house!”

And that’s how the rumour started that sweep Podunk like a backburn gone feral, “Helga Von Streudel will sleep with any man who will work on her house!”

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Podunk River Water Action Group AGM

Motions were moved, nominations for committee positions discussed. Maharishi Parwal suddenly stood up, shouting, flapping his arms and goose stepped around the room stamping his feet because people didn’t voting the way he wanted them to.

Half a dozen people left. Half a dozen sat in stunned silence, including your humble correspondent. Half a dozen people spent half an hour convincing Maharishi that was not acceptable behaviour at a community group, and conduct unbecoming a candidate for president of PRWAG.

Maharishi finally agreed not to stand for a committee position, knowing full well that there would be a vacancy very soon, when someone had enough and quit. Sure enough, Maharishi was back on the committee quicker than anyone could say “all those in favour.”

Intrepid reporter for the Podunk Weekly Bugle, Mark D. Mann, was nominated for committee, but politely declined, which earned a glare from Parwal. His friend, Kerry Stilton sidled up to Mark D. Mann with a grin like a Cheshire cat ready to Glasgow kiss, and said “I told the Poduck Post & Ledger that you’ve been saying they stole your story!”

“Why would you do that? I didn’t say that,” Mann replied. “Yes you did. I’m a solicitor so I know what I’m talking about,” Stilton said. “You should be arrested for soliciting,” Mann said. Stilton’s expression was priceless. That was the first time that Mark D. Mann met Messers Parwal and Stilton.

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Sonny Steptoe & Wife Divorce

Purveyor of fine bric-a-brac, Sonny Steptoe and her wife, Brook Runner have parted ways.

As usual, Mark D. Mann, intrepid reporter for the Podunk Weekly Bugle was on the scene. Sitting in the backyard on a Friday afternoon after another week purveying fine bric-a-brac, Steptoe, Runner and Mann were sharing beers and repartee.

Runner got up to go inside and Steptoe said “get me a beer while you’re there”. Runner cringed. “And get Mark one, too”. Mark cringed. Runner dutifully came out with two beers. Steptoe said “would you like a game of Trivial Pursuit?” “Sure,” said Mark, “and let’s get funky with the rules. If we don’t know the answer, we get 50/50, Ask The Audience or Phone a Friend”.

Runner jumped up, pointed a boney finger at Mann and exclaimed: “You think I’m stupid!” Mann, stunned, replied “I didn’t say that.” “YOU THINK I’M STUPID, Runner said again, only this time shouting. “I didn’t say that, I don’t think that and I’m going,” as he fled the scene.

A few days later, Mann was in the Hell Bent Hardware store when he happened upon Ms. Runner. “I’m so sorry, Brook. I didn’t mean to offend you”. She replied “It wasn’t you, it had been brewing for a while. I’m here collecting boxes, I’m leaving Podunk”.

Mann knew right away he was now in much deeper doodoo. “Can I buy you a coffee?” he asked. Runner also realised that Mann was in for it, and agreed. Basically, she wasn’t a submissive, and Steptoe is 50 shades of freak in the sheets. She was being abused: sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally.

“You don’t treat your wife like a dog in front of a man,” Brook Runner said. “You don’t treat anyone like a dog at anytime,” Mann replied. Brook Runner left for Bello the next day.

The Bugle contacted the Podunk Women’s Temperance Society and other community groups known to take issues with women being abused but we have received no answer.

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“Give me all your money!”

Intrepid reporter for the Bugle, Mark D. Mann was on his evening walk last night when two hooded males ran towards him, yelling “Give me all your money!” Mann stopped and so did the males. Mann started walking towards them and the two males retreated across the street, then quietly left the scene with Mann in pursuit, as fast as his walking stick would allow. It turns out they were young, probably 13-15 years of age. We are investigating how Podunk earned the title: The Friendly Town.

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,
Coach Doctor Woo McHealy saved my life! If anyone wants to join my downline for the Magical Mood Making Machine, see me at this week’s Podunk Farmers Markets. Signed, Hosanna from Podunk.

Editorial Conference

“Why didn’t you stand for committee, Mark?” asked editor Paige Turner, later. “Too much monkey business for me to be involved with,” he replied.

“The Podunk Women’s Temperance Society aren’t going to be happy with Sonny Steptoe,” Mann said to his editor. “That’s not how Podunk works,” she said.

Podunk, a town too small for ambition but too stubborn to vanish. The Podunk Weekly Bugle is 98% truth, 2% satire and 100% autobiographical. Any resemblance to actual events or people is purely.

Editions of Podunk Weekly Bugle

Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.1 – Introduction. Our first edition, now a collectors item.

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