Podunk, a town too small for ambition but too stubborn to vanish
Somehow, the Podunk Weekly Bugle has survived into its second week of publication. Our first edition, now a collectors item, is here: Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.1
In this edition: Coach Doctor Woo McHealy’s Magical Mood Making Machine
Mount Podunk Fire Brigade Weekly Meeting
Bach Flower Magic Drops Treat Cancer
“Soup Kitchen Must Close“
Brian “The Brain” Warns of the Evils of Capitalism
Dean Péters Accused of Rape
Good News For Insomniacs
Only two more sleeps until Christmas.
Magical Mood Making Machine
Poduck’s local General Practitioner, Coach Doctor Woo McHealy, is brought the latest in new fangled contraptions to town, a “Multi-Level Marketing Magical Mood Making Machine With An Optional Extra Aura Analysis And Adjustment App Available On Apple And Android.” The residents of Podunk are queuing up to swap a month’s salary for the device.
Coach Doctor Woo McHealy says the device will treat chronic back pain, skeletal system pain, fibromyalgia, migraine, depression, anxiety, and associated sleep disorders. “You might not believe this little fella, but it’ll cure your asthma too!”
The MLMMMMMWAOEAAAAAAOAAA has not been approved by the Therapeutic Goods Administration, but that’s OK, Coach Doctor has prepared a video on how to “fly under their radar”, and then posted it on the internet.
This week’s edition of Podunk Weekly Bugle is proudly brought to you by Hell Bent Food Emporium.
This week’s special: Hell Bent Big Kahuna Burger meal deal only $28.99 plus taxes.
Mount Podunk Fire Brigade Weekly Meeting
The geriatrics who make up the Mt. Podunk Fire Brigade are holding their weekly meeting at the Mount Podunk Fire Station. This week’s talk will be “First Responder or Crisis Actor – Which One Are You?,” conducted by Fire Warden George “Clipper” Ashfield, assisted by Paul Stinker, chicken farmer and 2nd Amendment enthusiast.
The Mt. Podunk Fire Brigade is a veritable Dad’s Army of old dope growers and home brew enthusiasts who have joined with only two goals in mind. Protect their crops and moonshine stills, and to have an excuse to get out of the house a couple of nights per week.
There has been the occasional unexplained alarm go off, usually around the time to do the washing up, and the lads all rush off to save the world, and themselves. The shed out the back of the Fire Station has been insulated to keep the temperature perfect for storing bottles of home brew. Beware the dog.
Their wives, all members of the Podunk Women’s Temperance Society know what they’re up to, and are happy to get them out of the house so they can call each other and complain about their husbands.
Bach Flower Magic Drops Treat Cancer
Beatrice Bobson is supplementing her growing real estate empire with a sideline in naturopathy, peddling Bach Flower remedies to the desperate and the dying. These magic drops are more than just diluted flower water sold at a premium to cancer patients … these tiny bottles of tincture are full of hope, and that’s priceless.
“That’s illegal, isn’t it?” asked intrepid reporter Mark D. Mann. Whoops. Beatrice didn’t answer, just glared and put him on the list for discussion at the next meeting of the Podunk Women’s Temperance Society.
Beatrice, “Queen Bee” to her friends and victims, has limited her appointments to one day per month. “It’s hard to get an appointment,” she says, maintaining the illusion of demand.
Snake oil sales have plummeted in the big smoke, where people have been warned about such shenanigans, but out in the boonies that still has a shop that rents videos and DVDs for entertainment, business is booming.
Beatrice has launched a full range of Intangibles: Hope, Love, Reputation, Change, Energy. All in a small tincture bottle with a complimentary eye dropper, for only $350, with double doses only $550 for a month’s supply.
“Soup Kitchen Must Close“
Donna Cabab, President of the Podunk Women’s Temperance Society, and managing director of the Hell Bent group of companies, has begun a campaign to close the soup kitchen at the Podunk Community Garden.
“The Soup Kitchen Must Close. They’re taking away my customers!” Cabab told intrepid reporter, Mark D. Mann, referring to one of her shops, the Hell Bent Food Emporium, where a Big Kahuna Burger sells for only $28.99 plus taxes. He replied, “I don’t think they’re your customers, Donna. They’re mainly homeless and people struggling on welfare.”
Donna didn’t answer, just glared and put him on the list for discussion at the next meeting of the Podunk Women’s Temperance Society.
Brian “The Brain” Warns of the Evils of Capitalism
Investment banker and prophet of financial morality, Brian Bobson held court again with another seminar on the evils of capitalism and the folly of fracking.
His lecture included charts and graphs with circles and arrows explaining what each thing was, and some newspaper cuttings where he pointed out, for the 26th time, that Japan buys gas cheaper than we do.
Once he’s scared the wool off the sheep farmer’s back with warnings of financial doom, he was ready for the close: “See me after the meeting if you’d like to know where to invest your financial nest egg.”
Brian Bobson is not just always the smartest man in the room; he’s the only one who knows the game is rigged better than a gas field. Why employ a room full of salesmen like some wolf on Wall Street when there’s ways to have the farmers come to you, begging you to “take my money!”?
“He’s not just selling investments,” one local farmer murmured. “He’s selling salvation.” And that salvation comes with an interest rate and a healthy commission. The irony, of course, is that he and his wife, Beatrice, own enough fossil fuel stock to heat a small country. But in Podunk, hypocrisy isn’t a sin; it’s a sport.
Dean Péters Accused of Rape
Dean Péters, an administrator of a fracking community group, has been accused of raping Gigi La Grange, President of the Podunk Valley PTA.
Péters expelled La Grange from a community group in a very public power grab that made many divorces look like child’s play. This is the third community group that Ms La Grange has been expelled from this year.
For months after her explusion, all we heard from La Grange was “Dean Péters is an arsehole” and variations on that theme. One summer night, a group of friends including Mark D. Mann and George Ashfield, had a BBQ and were enjoying the evening air when La Grange arrived and the mood changed. “Dean Péters is an arsehole,” said La Grange to no-one in particular and started into her well rehearsed rant.
The group politely nodded in agreement, but after an hour, small pockets of conversation tried to start about something, anything, else. Oh no, La Grange was having none of that and quickly brought the conversation back to her favourite topic – “Dean Péters is an arsehole.”
Intrepid reporter, Mark D. Mann and the Fire Chief from the Mount Podunk Fire Brigade were determined to salvage at least some semblance of decent discourse from the evening and tried again to talk to each other. La Grange interrupted with “Dean Péters is an arsehole” so the two men agreed with her then valiantly continued to converse.
“Dean Péters tried to rape me!” La Grange exclaimed, stopping all conversation dead.
Intrepid reporter, Mark D. Mann offered, “Why did you make him an admin of the community group after he tried to rape you?”
La Grange said “Oh, yeah” and thought for a minute, before offering, “I felt sorry for him.”
Suddenly, she changed the topic, glared and put Mark D. Mann on the list for discussion at the next meeting of both the Podunk Valley PTA and the Podunk Women’s Temperance Society.
No charges have been laid against Dean Péters, who denies having any kind of relationship with Gigi La Grange, other than the community group, which ended badly. “I just blocked her,” said Dean Péters, “that’s all”.
Letters to the Editor
The letters to the editor (comments) section is open, scroll down. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is probably coincidental. Please send all legal threats to our lawyers: Max Payne, Kane & Hurt, attn: Will Lynch, via the comments section.
Letters received so far:
Dear Editor, the soup kitchen attracts riff-raff. I saw a man take three bowls of soup! Outrageous. Yours, Donna Cabab.
Why does Mark D. Mann get paid to spread lies? Dean Péters is an arsehole. End of story. Yours truly, Gigi La Grange, President of the Podunk Valley PTA.
Coach Doctor Woo McHealy saved my life! I haven’t felt this calm since my divorce. Keep up the great work. Signed, Hosanna from Podunk.
Editorial Conference
“Doc McHealy’s magic machine is not going to end well,” intrepid reporter Mark D. Mann for the Podunk Weekly Bugle said to the editor, Paige Turner. She replied, “It’s going to end in tears.”
“Do you believe Gigi’s allegation of rape?” Mark D. Mann asked. “All women must be heard. Not everyone must be believed,” she replied. “That’s a mistake of cancel culture”.
Related stories
Podunk Weekly Bugle Vol.1 No.1
Do You Want to Live on an Intentional Community?
A True History of Vegemite … Manna From Heaven
A bourbon with Jim, a song for Piaf, and a yarn with Wilde … A day at Père Lachaise Cemetery
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